Someone: Hey, so what do you do?
You: I do yoga.
Someone: Oh, you’re a yoga teacher?
You: No, I practice yoga.
You: I also read books, write, drink tea, go to the bathroom, think about things, come up with idea.
Someone: No! What do you do… You know… Like, what is it that you do!?
You: I just said what I did.
Someone: No, what’s your job?
You: Oh, do you mean: “how do I make money?” Is that your question?
Someone: Ah, yeah. Duh!
Isn’t it pathetic? We live in a world where people don’t care about the things that you do — the things that interest you. Correction: They care more about how you make money, first and foremost. All the time — parents, friends, family, new people — they all want to know “what do you do?” But in reality, they are asking “how do you make money — what’s your job?”
Too Much Information Scares People
So why not just ask that in the first place? Why dance around the real question? I’ll tell you why? Because people can’t handle a lot of information. They don’t want to. It scares them. Not because it’s a lot, but because it’s disruptive to their way of live.
Imagine this:
Someone: What do you do?
You: I do this, this, that, this, that, this, this, this, that, and that, and this, and that…
You see, people want a one line answer. A simple answer. They want: “I work here.” And with that response (with your “here”), they can now label you. And in that labeling, they feel safe. Because you are now equated with one thing instead of a myriad of things. If you were to start listing off what you really do, they larger images of yourself, then, in their eyes, you become greater than them. It’s too complex for them to handle. And in that complexity, confusion arises. Anger arises. Because they, themselves, have a singular definition of themselves. And to have to encounter a person who don’t subscribe to their same philosophy of a one-label description of themselves, is disturbing.
Will Your “Job” Define You?
As to say how a person makes money defines that person. Actually, it’s not about how a person makes money — they don’t care about that. The real question is “how much money do you make?” “Are you a productive individual?” “Where are you on the social status continuum?”
I was thinking about this last night and the next time someone asks me what I do, I’m going to say “yoga… I do yoga.” Why will I say that? Because I do, in fact, do yoga.
That person will probably be confused and respond quizzically with: “what do you mean… you teach yoga classes.” Ha, you see what’s happening here? Because in order “to do” something, in their eyes, you must be making money from it. Weak.
Being Productive is Subjective
Our society believes that in order to be “productive” you have to do something that makes you money. And only after you are doing something that makes you money, then you can do other things that don’t make you money. So to say that you need a “job” in order to be productive. Then once you have that job, you can live life and do things that you really enjoy.
That’s a truly twisted way of thinking. And this philosophy is deeply engrained in our society. It upsets me that people think this way. When are we going to realize that money is just a concept? A concept that should never define a person.
People who use the concept of money to define a person are truly blinded. Seriously, they are caught up in the hype. The media. The “bling bling.” The big “corporate job” with the corner office. The “must-have” items. Hah….
This is their equation:
+ Hard work. Rigid HARD work. Painful and stressful work (which means it’s good work)
+ The “good job” that pays you a lot of money
+ The rock solid stability of corporate America
+ Hard work! Hard work! Yes sir! Yes Boss!
+ Long hours
________________________________
= Now you have have fun and do non-paying passionate “things”
= Oh, ok, you are safe now. Now relax and enjoy life
= You are a standup citizen — good job boy!
Their equation, sadly, is wrong. Enjoying life and “living” your passion — not living your “job” — is natural, not something that should be forced. Not something that you should do solely to live up to the societal standards of “having a job” and being a “productive individual.”
You can produce plenty of joy, positivity, and contributions simply by doing what’s fun, what makes you smile, what you can do, all day, and not expect a pay check from. How will respond the next time someone asks you “what do you do?”
Do you!
You’re making a tempest in a teapot. Pissing people off and looking like a lunatic with unexpected behavior in a highly ritualized situation is very unproductive — and I mean that using your own sense of the word. And once you have done that, your message is effectively muted. Think about it: what is accomplished with such behavior? Alienation and distrust. Not a very optimal outcome.
This is the kind of conversation you have with somebody after you have gotten to know them, not before. Human social behavior changes slowly. Social rituals and behaviors are a facade, certainly, but you don’t rip the facade off the moment you meet someone, just like most people don’t tear their clothes off and sleep together right away after they first meet. There is a feeling-out period, a period of building trust before you can say some of the things that are on your mind.
If you don’t want to take the time, then who cares what you say to them? But you could be doing more harm than good.
Hey Michael,
Well said. You are right by stating the obvious — what’s known to be standard. Very true. These are the standards that we have created and live by, absolutely. The purpose of the article was to state what’s not obvious; to bring awareness to alternative ways of looking at the situation. If being a “lunatic” by disrupting the status quo and telling people what’s really on your mind — then I love being a lunatic. Some people really aren’t aware of the questions that they are asking and when they aren’t content with the answers they receive, then the person who answered the question is now, all of a sudden, crazy to them. Well who defines “crazy” and “lunatic?” Excellent — this post got you thinking. No we’re talkin’
Great points, David. Normality vs. lunacy in some ways is really the majority vs. the minority, isn’t it? I have often said to people that you have to be insane to be normal.
But at the same time, I have no interest in being off-putting to people, simply because it doesn’t serve my interests and it doesn’t help them, either.
I think the normality and the ritualistic aspect of the question “what do you do?” might just now be on the verge of evolving. Tim Ferriss, in his book, The 4-Hour Work Week, begins by saying how much he hates that question, because depending on when you ask it, his answer is liable to change. Like what you said above, he sees how he makes money as something separate from who he is as a person and what he “does.”
I don’t mind having passive income streams, but when asked what I do, I really enjoy saying that I am a blog consultant. It’s unusual enough to be a conversation-starter. It would feel discouraging to have my identity invested in work that I hated, but it feels uplifting to me to be invested in work I love to do.
Norms change when more and more people begin to challenge them, David, so rock on.
Love in the present moment is the answer. Love is deep in the present moment, it’s not in your mind. Love, love, love…I often will make a light comment when someone asks me what I do, I will tell them a few things about myself, I like to do this to reinforce the notion that we are not defined by our occupation, actually our occupation is defined by how we do it. If we are the ones experiencing it, we are in command, we are not being dominated by the ego-mind, then the occupation is just a release of your own imagination, no matter what it is.
Right on, Michael! Excellent points.
Hey Dylan, welcome to the discussion. I like that: “love.” Love is simple. Love is powerful. Indeed, I always though of it being the other way around as well. You occupation — or livelihood — should be defined or, better, be an expression of who you truly are as a person.
Thanks for this insight in American culture. It’s different in the Netherlands, however this question comes by a lot as well of course. But I experience it more as a question about “How do you add value to society?” instead of how much money someone makes.
If the response is that a person is a volunteer at the salvation army, there’s usually quite a conversation about that activity, the experiences and challenges involved. In the end someone probably will ask something like “but you don’t get paid for it right?”
On another note, if the real question is “How much money do you make?”, as straight answer to that would puzzle people as well.
What do you do?
> I make 15k a month.
That would certainly make people embarrassed over here, half of the people didn’t ask for this, and the rest just got ‘caught’
@ Lodewijkvdb – That’s hilarious! In a lot of cases, I think that’s exactly what people here want to hear. They’d be embarrassed and think you were crass for mentioning it, but at it’s heart, that’s part of what they’re looking to find out.
In my experience, people like order. In their minds, there is an order that exists and they want to know where you fit in it. What you do for a living often signifies a lot about who you are as a person – or so they think. Accountant = conservative. Yoga teacher = bleeding heart liberal. Since it’s considered bad form to ask about a person’s money or politics, asking what they do for a living is a good way to get answers without asking the questions outright.
Checklist when meeting new people:
1) Ask for income
2) Ask for political preference
3) Ask if they recycle
4) Ask for religion
5) (if looking for mate) Ask if they want kids
That’s a surefire way to chase people away, except for the people you DON’T want to know!
David, This is very interesting. I think a lot of people are trying to determine which social bucket to put you into in their mind. Maybe that’s not so bad. If each of us is content with what “we do”, er “how we make money” then it (theoretically) shouldn’t bother us what anyone thinks.
I also think that answering the question as you plan to do is a fine way to answer because you’re using the opportunity to tell that person what is most important or interesting to you.
I think people like to learn something interesting and asking a person what they do could be considered a great question. It’s saying “how do you spend your life? I’m interested in learning about and from you.”
Glad to have found your blog!
Lodewijk- funny comment!
Ha, awesome comments guys. It’s funny, because when I tell people that I meditate and do yoga, they automatically label me as a religious zealot. When, in fact, I wouldn’t consider myself religious at all. This goes to say that we want simple, one word, answers from people to automatically define them. That’s exactly right Naomi. Ha, people should just start listing off things that they do… even small thing.. until the person goes: “whoooaa…. hold on there….” that’s enough! Ha, that would make for a great conversation about human relations and what people really want to hear from one another.